Vietnamese Table Etiquette

The fish gaped at me. Its glassy bubble eyes regarded me with equanimity. My Vietnamese hostess had just placed a fish the size of a pig on the table in front of me with the bullet-shaped head aimed at my sternum. Everyone around the table stared, smiling, nodding and watching my reaction.

Unnerved, I could only manage a goofy grin. Did they expect me to eat the fish head?

"Eat. Please eat," urged my hostess. The chopsticks in my hand clattered like reeds in the wind. Fish head, eyes and gills lay before me, all unacquired tastes.

"It's not much," said my hostess. The fish was longer than my arm. "It's a simple dish, not much flavor." It looked more elaborate than any Thanksgiving turkey I'd ever had. "Eat. Eat."

My mind raced. How to decline without offending? How to eat that gargantuan head without vomiting? Then it struck me - my grandmother's lesson in etiquette. I was the guest of honor, hence the fish head. It was positioned to honor me with the choicest meat, the part just behind the head above the gills.

I sampled the fish and complimented my hostess vociferously, and the meal continued without a hitch.

Knowing a little Vietnamese table etiquette can take a foreigner a long way when dining as the honored guest of a Vietnamese family. Despite forms or circumstances, an invitation to dine with the family is not often extended casually. Here are a few rules of thumb to keep a guest in favorable view with the host and hostess.

Always bring a present when invited to dinner. Flowers are acceptable as long as they are not white, the color of death. Common gifts are sweets and teas.

Dining Vietnamese style is a practice of interaction, an interplay of gestures and forms. For example, when dining is at its most formal, a guest seldom has to serve himself. The host and hostess will see to it that the guest has more than enough to eat including the first sampling of each plate. But the guest should never be the first to sample a dish unless the host insists.

Sampling is a better term to describe dining the Vietnamese way. One never takes more than a single helping from any plate without first trying all the other dishes on the table. A tablespoonful constitutes a helping. If serving spoons are not provided, at most two trips of the chopsticks to the serving dish represent one serving. Most important of all, never dwell on any one dish and always compliment the food after the first taste. Also avoid eating too much meat, as it's considered the most expensive ingredient of any dish. Never reach for food until rice has been served and the host has given the signal to begin. The only exception is at a banquet where rice may not be served.

Don't pour dipping sauces directly into the rice bowl. One hand should always be touching the rice bowl while eating even if the bowl is not picked up. Polite convention demands using both hands when offering or accepting anything--a dish, a cup or a pair of chopsticks. A little polite nod is always expected when passing or accepting something at the table.

It is generally considered more elegant to hold the chopsticks as far away from the business ends as possible. This naturally requires more skill and dexterity. A child learning how to use the chopsticks usually begins holding the utensil closer to the business ends and migrates upward with experience. In some situations, it is common to hold the chopsticks at midpoint so that the chopsticks can easily be turned and both ends can be used. The slim ends are used to put food into the mouth. The thicker ends are used to pick up food from the communal plates.

"Chopsticks" is a Western barbarism. In Chinese this utensil is called kuaì-zi, in Japanese hashi, in Vietnamese doi dua. A host of chopsticks etiquette rules govern the proper usage.

Chopsticks should not touch the lips, teeth or tongue. Never pick up more than one morsel with the chopsticks. Another point to remember is that it is regarded crude to move food from the communal plate directly to the mouth. The morsel should first be transferred to the individual's rice bowl before eaten.

The ideal sequence is one bite of rice for every two bites of meat, fish or vegetables. The reverse is appropriate when the entree is a delicacy or the portion is small. It is very distasteful to shift the food on the serving plate to search for a choice item. At the same time, the chopsticks must not show hesitation while moving to pick up a morsel. The chopsticks must not pick up the morsel by piercing it. Also, returning a morsel to the plate after picking it up is very bad form.

If chopsticks mastery is lacking, a request for forks--but not knives--is acceptable. Vietnamese have a saying adopted from the Chinese: "We sit down to eat not to cut up carcasses." Vietnamese use deep ceramic spoons and consider sipping from the spoon more sophisticated than placing the spoon into the mouth.

Whereas a second or third serving may be declined at a Western table without offense, it is considered almost rude to decline the hostess' offers at a Vietnamese table since custom requires the hostess to be persistent in her solicitation. It is wise then to feign fullness early and acquiesce gracefully at the first two or three offers of additional servings.

When memory fails at the table, the best solution is a forthright apology and declaration of etiquette ignorance coupled with adept imitation of the host's table manner.

If you happen to be visiting Vietnamese friends during Tet, it is wise to note how much stock Vietnamese (no matter how rational they are) place on taboos and superstitions. This is the one time of year when a well-intentioned but ill-informed gesture may well turn out to be a brick in the road to hell for the recipient. For the rest of the year, whenever something inopportune occurs, the culprit's name will be spoken with no small amount of rancor. The culprit is considered not as the harbinger of bad luck but bad luck itself.

The list of taboos and superstitions is tedious and long, however, there are a handful that are considered crucial social knowledge. Foremost is visitation. It is extremely important not to visit or telephone anyone on New Year's Day without an invitation. When an invitation is extended, it should be accepted graciously for it is a great honor. People only invite those they respect, love and consider to be good luck. This and a number of other taboos are rooted in the belief that New Year's Day activities set precedents for the rest of the year.

Also, things should not be lent on this day (so don't ask); people fear they might be lending things for the rest of the year. Things should not be broken, especially in someone else's home. Greetings should not be delivered in the bedroom; people fear this may mean they will be sick most of the year.

In Vietnamese culture, food is so inextricably tied to the concept of prosperity that most of the presents people exchange are food: rice cakes, fruits, nuts, sweets, wines and teas. When visiting friends in their homes during the Tet festival, remember to bring small food gifts. These will be greatly appreciated because Vietnamese take food gifts as tokens of good luck and prosperity signifying that they will have plenty to eat in the coming year.

One way to bring brightness and glory into someone's household is to greet him or her on New Year's Day with a long and eloquent speech of good wishes and blessings. Something along the line of: "I wish you and your family a prosperous New Year filled with joy, love, harmony and good fortune. May the Light of Heaven shine brightly upon your household. May your cupboard be filled. May you come into great wealth. May your health be strong and vibrant. May all things turn out according to your desire."

And whatever else the person may wish for. But if the formality seems too much, a simple "Happy New Year" will do: Chuc Mung Nam Moi!